


sleep, those little slices of death — how I loathe them

by deathrae



Series: i've been through hell but i'm still standing [5]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Multi, also angst, exploration of trauma, mild hallucinations, more so than the others I think, unapologetic fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-27
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-03 14:36:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5295011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathrae/pseuds/deathrae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because sometimes teenagers go into hell and come back with weight they should never have had to carry.</p><p>And sometimes all you need is for someone to take just a little of it off your shoulders.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sleep, those little slices of death — how I loathe them

Riku couldn’t remember his last proper night of sleep. Ever since the exam he’d been restless, haunted by nightmares and phantoms of Nightmares besides. If he were honest with himself, Ven’s sparring made him jittery, and he avoided watching the older group run drills in full field armor.

Sometimes when he turned his head there was still a flicker of black leather just at the corner of his vision. It was never there when he looked again, and he knew it wasn’t real, or even fake. Just the frantic attempts of coping by his fragile mind.

It was alright, though, as long he could keep his mind busy. His nights had taken on a practiced pattern: reading Eraqus’ books and Aqua’s notes until he couldn’t keep his eyes open, sleeping till the dreams shook him awake, then doing it all over again till morning. It made for fitful, unpleasant rest and long, hard days, but it kept the worst thoughts at bay.

Then he started sharing his bed with Sora and Kairi and everything got a lot harder.

They slept like the dead, and the three of them still hadn’t quite worked out placement and habits. Kairi usually ended up in the middle, but now and then Sora stole it for himself. Sora, to his surprise, kept more or less to one place, tucked up against whoever was nearest. He slept on his side, arms curled around whoever was in reach, his legs together. Kairi, however, was the one who sprawled, limbs splayed everywhere, sheet gathered up below her hip. More than once he woke with a jolt to find Kairi’s arm flopping across his face, elbow pressed to his nose, her hair tangling with his on the pillow.

He tried to huff as quietly as he could and only very gently move her arm back to her side, tugging the sheet up if her shirt had ridden up from the rolling around, and pushed backward against her so he wasn’t so close to falling off his own bed.

Tonight, Sora had crashed early, exhausted by sparring with Ven again, and Kairi had burnt out all her mana practicing a mine spell and had to be carried to bed by Terra.

Riku had skulked in a little later, well after the other three had gone to bed, and found them tucked close to the wall to leave space for him like usual. Kairi was in the middle, one hand up by her head and one loosely around Sora’s shoulders. He was nestled up next to her, one knee over hers, his hand on her chest by the gem of her necklace.

They were so still. So quiet. Only the slow rise of his hand on her chest when she breathed indicated they were even still alive, but that was only so comforting.

Riku still hadn’t sat down since he’d walked in ten minutes ago.

He just...couldn’t. He hovered beside the bed, hands balled into fists at his sides.

 _This is so stupid. They’re just asleep_.

But he couldn’t shake off the dread. What if this was like before?

_What if it happens again. What if this time it’s more than a year. I should just check._

He twisted his mouth, sneering at himself. Sometimes he was really stupid. But it ate at him. He reached down, and before he could think better of it, shook Kairi by the shoulder.

“Hnm? Riku?”

“Sorry,” he mumbled, sitting down on the bed and pushing off his shoes.

“Everything okay?” she asked, rubbing blearily at her eyes with one hand. Sora stirred, eyebrows furrowing.

“Yeah,” Riku lied, sliding in beside her and resting next to her. “Yeah, it’s fine. I’m sorry I woke you.”

Her hand found his face and gave him a sleepy, uncoordinated pat on the cheek. “Mmhmn.”

It didn’t make any sense, but it almost sounded like she didn’t believe him.

 

It was a mystery how they did it, but they woke up before him, and when he woke up it was to an empty bed. That was almost a comfort. With a sigh, though, he levered himself up, combing his fingers through his hair to settle it a little.

“Shh, Sora.”

Riku went still, frowning faintly. Voices came through the window from one of the balconies. He knew he should just close the window, but he listened.

Kairi sighed. “I know. It’s happening more and more.”

“There’s something he’s not telling us,” Sora said, his voice pitched low, soft enough Riku strained to hear.

“Should we talk to the others?”

An almost inaudible jangling cut in that Riku recognized—the dim sound of one of Sora’s Moogle-bought accessories clinking when he shook his head.

“I think we can figure this out. I want to try something later. It might give us a better starting point.”

Their voices drew away to a level he couldn’t hear, and he frowned, sliding out of bed to change his clothes. What was that about?

Whatever it was, he would figure it out after some breakfast.

Thankfully, this late in the morning, the kitchen was relatively empty. A few dirty dishes in a sink and a mug of coffee on a counter with his name on a sticky note on the side were all that greeted him, and the latter he took with a faint sigh of relief, setting a warm spark under the mug to warm it before he sipped from it and went looking for eggs. The conversation he’d heard chewed on his nerves like a mouse, nibbling at the thready ropes of his self-confidence. Were they talking about him? What other “he” could they have meant?

He opened the fridge and a rush of cold air greeted him, carrying a far-too-familiar scent of blood and pain that made him gag, covering his mouth and nose with a hand. It wasn’t the dark choking stench of darkness but similar, the smell of death and ruin, familiar after Castle Oblivion, after the World That Never Was.

“Oh there you ar—Riku?”

He flinched, jerking back from the fridge. Terra stood in the doorway, a hand on the door, his eyebrows raised in concern.

“Riku, you okay?”

“Yeah I–” Riku pulled his hand away and breathed. Nothing. Nothing except that faint, lingering not-darkness left on Terra that Riku recognized from his own clothing. Had he _imagined_ it? Every now and then his brain played tricks, but usually only when he was at the limits of exhaustion. “I’m fine,” he finished more slowly, feeling somehow foolish.

Terra frowned, like he didn’t quite believe him, but nodded. “I was wondering if I could talk to you about something. When you have some time.”

“Sure,” Riku said, rubbing a hand over his forehead and drinking more of his coffee to chase away the sick churn in his stomach. “What’s on your mind?”

“Well,” Terra said, looking away. “What happened to you, actually.” Terra flashed him a vaguely uncomfortable smile, glancing his way again. “I don’t know that I have a very clear picture of what happened, after... Well. Seems sorta rude not to know what happened to the kid I bequeathed my keyblade to,” he added, with a teasing sort of grin.

Riku chuckled, almost despite himself, and set the back of his free hand to his forehead. “Absolutely– I am the very picture of offended.”

Terra laughed. “Well, if you’re not too offended to talk about it, come grab me later? I’ve got the evening off after a lesson with Ven.”

“Sure,” Riku said, nodding. “I’ll do that.”

 

Riku’s afternoon was oddly free, and he wasn’t sure how that had happened. Kairi was studying with Aqua, Ven was sparring with Terra. After lunch he tried to read, but he felt full of energy still. He wandered, searching for Sora. Sora always had ideas on how to entertain themselves.

But when he’d wandered through the guest wings, the library, the kitchens, he was starting to get a little nervous. Not that something had happened to Sora, but that he’d gone into one section of the castle Riku preferred to avoid. Terra thought it had once been a medical wing, an infirmary of sorts, way back during the war, and it looked it, all white walls and clean tile floors. There wasn’t much there anymore, no bottles or jars or tools. Just...white.

It gave Riku the absolute creeps, ringing far too familiar to the endless halls of Castle Oblivion. He was glad Sora couldn’t remember that time, glad it didn’t send a cold prickle of fear down his spine and make the hair on the back of his neck stand on end.

Still, maybe a little healthy paranoia on Sora’s part would’ve solved a lot of problems.

Riku forced himself into the first corridor, peering around through air speckled with dust motes.

“Sora?”

The hall echoed, the sound of his voice deadened by the heavy air. He went a little deeper in, peering in through a couple doorways. In one of them was a couch, and the first shock of color in the whole wing was Sora’s arm hanging off the edge.

Riku cursed the stab of horror that made his stomach go cold. _This is so stupid_.

He stepped inside, overriding every foolish, blind fear with a reminder of how absurd it was, how safe they were.

Sora was sleeping. One hand was resting on his chest. He was dead to the world, but he was only taking a nap. Riku wanted to wake him up, just to be sure, just to see those stupid, bright blue eyes, just to hear him yawn and laugh and see his stupid, cheerful smile, but he pushed that down. He should let him sleep.

He rubbed at his nose and turned to leave the room.

Just at the corner of his eye was a flash of leather. Out of habit, he turned.

A dark face framed in white hair peered back at him, orange eyes narrowed with distaste.

This time, it didn’t disappear.

 _Shit_.

The copy of Xehanort didn’t stink of darkness, though, and with a calmness that didn’t match his racing heart, Riku stepped forward to face his own delusion. “Get out,” he said, voice low to let Sora sleep. Sora shifted, twitching maybe, but Riku didn’t look. “You’re beaten, Terra’s fine, and you aren’t even real. Go away.”

The phantom faded as if it had never been, and Riku turned around. Sora was still asleep, weirdly still and breathing a little too hard.

He didn’t even think this time, just darted forward and shook Sora’s shoulder. Sora snapped awake. _Too fast_ , his mind supplied, though he didn’t think about it very hard.

“Riku,” Sora said, but his eyes...he looked so _sad_.

“Okay,” Riku muttered, patting Sora’s cheek with a hand. He was awake, he was fine. He could wake up. “It’s okay.”

He headed for the door as Sora sat up to watch him go.

 

He met Terra after dinner. Terra stopped in the kitchen long enough to fetch a thermos that he then tucked into his pocket, ruffling Ven’s hair (as Ven was elbow-deep in dishwater and could not retaliate), and led Riku to a set of stairs. They climbed in relative silence for what felt like ages, then up into a winding staircase that spiraled around a narrow tower. Terra finally led them out into the open air, to the battlements of a tower overlooking the whole valley.

“Up here the stars seem so close,” Riku said without thinking, looking up at a sky like a dark blue blanket dotted all around with white pinpricks.

Terra looked over at him, his expression hard to read. “Yeah. Master Eraqus used to say that all the other worlds were close to the Land of Departure, so all the stars—all the other worlds—seemed closer than on other worlds.”

“Huh,” Riku said. Terra sat on the stone and Riku hopped up beside him. “Makes sense, with this being neutral ground. Easier to get everywhere else. This would be a very advantageous outpost.”

Terra grinned at him and leaned over to gently elbow him. “Smart kid,” he said. Riku felt...something. Something hard to describe. A warmth, an unshakeable familiarity.

“You said that before, didn’t you,” he said, soft, but almost accusing. “On the beach.”

“Probably,” Terra said with a chuckle. “You were. Are, really.”

Riku smirked faintly and looked up at the stars again. “Thanks.”

Terra was quiet for a moment, pulling the thermos from his pocket and fiddling with the cap. “Do you remember it that well?”

Riku didn’t look down from the sky, but he smiled. “I used to dream of it, all the time, and then when the Islands were taken over... I suppose my heart remembered even when my brain didn’t. And reminded me now and then. Sometimes in Castle Oblivion I would wake up with the words in my head.”

“Words?”

“Yeah.” Riku closed his eyes, letting the starlight wash over his face. “ _In your hand, take this key. And so long as you have the makings, then through this simple act of taking, its wielder you shall one day be._ ” That was the part he remembered best, but the next line hit him in a flash, and he looked down, at Terra, and smiled very softly. “ _And you will find me, friend_. Guess you were right in the end, on that if nothing else.”

Terra ducked his head, embarrassed maybe, and looked toward the valley. “Guess so.” He uncapped the thermos and handed it to Riku, the rich smell of hot cocoa sprawling across the air between them. “ _No ocean will contain you then_ ,” he said, slow, as if he only now remembered. Riku nodded and sipped from the thermos. “ _No more borders around or below or above_.”

“ _So long as you champion the ones you love_ ,” Riku finished, in little more than a whisper. “I...” He looked down again. “I _tried_ , Terra.”

“That’s all that matters,” he said. “It doesn’t matter how many times you failed or how many times it wasn’t enough. It doesn’t even matter that in the end you did it, you won.” Riku frowned at the thermos, his throat tight. “All that matters is you tried. When it counted, you were every bit the champion I thought you were then.”

“Thanks,” Riku said. “You too, you know?”

Terra nodded dimly but didn’t answer, and for a minute, there was no sound but the wind. Riku handed Terra the thermos.

“You said you had questions?” Riku asked finally, his voice weak and a bit hollow.

“Oh!” Terra said, stumbling over the word, and he capped the thermos for safety. “Yeah, I did.”

Riku couldn’t remember the last time he talked about what had happened with Xehanort’s heartless, how it had taken over, how even after he was himself again it dogged him for months, years even, haunting him, preying on his every doubt and fear, chewing at his insides. Terra listened with a startling patience, humming occasionally in thought but mostly just absorbing it, like it were a lesson and Riku his master. Which was odd enough all on its own, until Terra asked the one question Riku wasn’t ready for.

_Are you okay?_

Riku hesitated, but only for a moment, and against perhaps his better judgment, it spilled out of him like blood from under the claws of a Shadow.

The phantoms, the way he smelled darkness and blood when he was tired or stressed, the stench of dark air and smoke that wasn’t there.

“I may be a master,” Riku muttered, staring out at the rolling hills below the castle. “But don’t let anyone convince you I have a good handle on things.”

Terra frowned at him for a moment, then reached out to gently squeeze his shoulder. “That’s okay, though. As long as you feel like you got all this way and did what you set out to do.”

Riku glanced his way, brow furrowing. “Which, seeing the outside world?”

“Nah,” Terra said, with a small, kind sort of smile. “Leaving came later. You told me something different.”

“What was that?”

“You said you wanted to be strong, so you could protect what matters. Like your friends. Which, considering all three of you are here, and alive, and strong, with all the fighting spirit of mighty warriors... I’d say you protected them just fine.”

“Huh.” Riku looked out toward the stars again. “Yeah...yeah I guess I did.”

 

He talked with Terra for hours, comparing notes on the ways to fight back against a heart trying to take control of your own, until it was well and truly night. The castle was mostly dark when they went back inside, most of the lamps extinguished and the common areas empty. Terra left him a few halls from Riku’s room to make sure Aqua hadn’t fallen asleep in a library and that Ven was not reorganizing Terra’s room out of boredom, and Riku meandered the remaining corridors while stifling yawns.

Oddly, the light in his room was still on, and when he got to the door, it was ajar. He eased it open to find Sora and Kairi sitting on the floor, playing cards, each studiously staring at their hands.

Sora noticed him first, glancing toward him and then looking to Kairi. He warned her with a soft “Hey Kairi,” before he touched her shoulder. She didn’t even jump, glancing up at him, then toward the door where Riku was standing, blinking at them in confusion.

“Ah!” she said, setting her cards down and jumping up to her feet, Sora following suit. “There you are. We want to talk to you about something.”

Sora nodded, hovering as Riku frowned a little at them, muttered “Sure,” and set about shrugging out of his vest and taking off his shoes.

“So, Riku, there’s something we’ve noticed,” Sora said. Riku froze, for just a second, dread lancing through him.

“Oh?”

Kairi crossed her arms over her chest. “Yeah. And we think we know why?”

“You wake us up a lot,” Sora said, flinching when Kairi smacked a hand to the back of his head. “I mean, you check on us a lot.”

“We think that’s what it is, anyway,” Kairi interrupted.

“Is that what it is?”

“Checking on you by waking you up?” Riku repeated, glancing between them, hoping his face didn’t betray everything.

“Yeah,” Kairi said.

Sora nodded. “Exactly. Like...like to make sure we can still wake up. That we’re not in a coma again.”

Riku froze again, and this time it must’ve shown on his face because Sora’s eyes went wide and his body went very still, and he reached out to touch his arm even as Kairi’s voice hitched on a faint “Riku...”

“Sorry,” Riku mumbled, rubbing at his arm.

"No, don't... don't say that," Kairi said. "It's okay."

“Well,” Sora said, tugging at his shirt to draw Riku closer to him, close enough to wrap his arms around Riku’s waist. “We’ve got an idea, then. Since...since that’s what’s wrong.”

“Yeah?” Riku mumbled, resting his nose in Sora’s hair. Kairi tugged at his hand, drawing it up to press her lips to his knuckles.

“Here,” she said, tugging him toward the bed. “You in the middle.”

He frowned at them, even as they tugged his shirt over his head and shooed him toward his pillow. “You sure?” he asked, and they nudged him up and under the quilt. Kairi put the cards away and Sora climbed up beside him first, tucked in beside the wall. Kairi slid in next to him and turned to rest her head on his shoulder, Sora’s just below hers on Riku's chest.

“Let’s give it a shot,” Kairi said, perhaps as an afterthought.

Riku sighed, but settled in, and let his eyes close. For a moment, just a moment, he thought he could smell dark air and smoke, blood and dust and rubble. But just as quick, he realized he was wrong. All he could smell was light—sun and warmth and sand, metal polish and crushed flowers, laundry soap and wood.

All he could smell was them.


End file.
